SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize