Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
True strength comes from lack of pants
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
