i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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