Who wears a wallet chain?!
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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