i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize