You smell like a Billy Joel song
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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