Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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