Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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