How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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