Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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