Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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