I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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