I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Drake has all the answers
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
