There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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