Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize