i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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