I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
