Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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