Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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