I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
