Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
do nipples grow back?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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