Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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