Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
