I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
the liver wants what the liver wants
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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