It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
