I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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