based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Of course I have a pirate flag
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
