how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
