My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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