he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
They took my balls.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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