as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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