You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
