Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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