I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
