Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
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