Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
