I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
