im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Randomize
