Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
