I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize