Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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