My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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