He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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