Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
