My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
