i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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