Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize