he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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