went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
