shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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