The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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