Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
