I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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