I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
the condom got lost in my hair
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
