hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
