Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize