Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
