I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
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