So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Come share oat with me in your robe
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
