No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
