your parents love me but you hate me
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize