I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Blood and glitter go together right?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
