I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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